There’s something I haven’t told you.

So I have been trying really hard to break out of old habits. I’m sincerely trying to find a nice new guy. Of course that doesn’t mean I’ve been with out the occasional surprises…

After going out on what was a really fun date, this guy said the words that could scare any girl: So there’s something I haven’t told you. What could it be? He had a six year old daughter (not in his profile). Not entirely a deal breaker, but for where my life is and is going, it was definitely a red flag.

On to the next one.

I didn’t even make it on the date before this one came out:

Me: Okay sure I can meet you Saturday.
Him: Okay but I need to tell you something.
Me: Okay…
Him: I have two kids.
Me: …
Him: I also have a girlfriend.
Me: Oh?
Him: She doesn’t want as much sex as me, so she let’s me do this.
Me: Good luck with that.

<block>

Too judgy? I don’t think so.

I haven’t forgotten you…

I have plenty of dates I could write about, but I really just needed some time off to figure a few things out.

I dated one guy, Elk River, who eerily remembered me from college. I just don’t think this is built to last. I’ve been avoiding him lately.

Another guy, as it turned out, dated another friend of mine. That kinda weirded me out, and I just don’t think we were good match any way.

Then there was Ecuador Joe. He moved to Ecuador with my friend Brenda. We had a second grade romance going on for quite a while. He was a little too hippie dippie for me, but he was fun to be around until he moved away for 2 years. Oh well.

There were a slew of others in the last year: hunter santorini, joey bouncer, nick kiss me, hans crazy mofo, Jason walgreens, mike muddy waters, sword gateway drug, brandon (barista), hipster, victory 44, convertable, and the texas weirdo.

Perhaps I’ll tell you some more stories later.

These Heels Are Made For Walking…

So I’ve never had a date I literally WALKED OUT OF, but this is that story.

I agreed to meet L at “Memory Lanes” against my better judgement. I’ve never been there on a date before so I really wasn’t sure what to expect. It was a lot brighter than I had anticipated, so my stockings were not really appropriate for the environment. Anyways, I showed up, found him and we chatted.

It was going really poorly. Like so awkward, but I wasn’t going to make it worse by pointing that out. I was content with finishing my drink and just never talking to him again. But here’s where shit when downhill… I was apparently drinking way too slowly (not really because it was literally 16oz and at this point we were only 25 awkward minutes in) and he wasn’t having a second drink. The server asked him several times, and every time he said he was fine. He eventually went out to smoke and i got on my phone and texted friends to make plans for after the horrible date.

He comes back inside and tells me that “[He’ll] cover my drink, but this isn’t working.” I told him I agreed. Then he started in on how I didn’t look like the picture I had sent him… My face started burning because the picture was literally taken two days prior to us meeting. I was pissed. Also, on my profile you get to see 8+ pictures of me. Pretty sure you can make sense of it all…

I know I look like my pictures because I am constantly going out and being accosted by people who recognize me from my profile. So there.

Anyways. I felt so offended that I left half my drink on the table, put my coat on and walked out.

I met up with friends and had a great rest of the night…

The Comedy Ends Here.

Just kidding.

I have an affinity for attracting comics in MPLS. This is one of those stories. This being the THIRD one I’ve gone on dates with… We definitely had some fun times together.

The first date consisted of me watching his act at ACME Comedy Club and some drinks afterward. I’d seen his act before and he had a slew of jokes just like most of the comics. He mainly made fun of himself and his neck tattoo. We went to a few local shows together to watch not only his comedy, but his friends too.

Comics are weird people to date. At least this one there was a difference between him being on and off the stage. He was a real person. We had conversations about real things. I didn’t just use my dating material as fuel for our conversations.

We even went out so much, that I brought him to my beloved “Transmission” at Club Jager. It was there that he learned all about hipster-watching. He thanked me for all of the material from that night. He was always a good date, and paid for my drinks. It was amazing to me that he paid the rent by telling jokes.

Top Chef…

What is it about chefs? I don’t even know. I dated one a while back who had a dirty apartment. My coworker works at a country club and one of the chefs always comes to visit us and I guess he talks about me at the country club a lot…

So what should make this one better?

I wasn’t even really excited to go out with Victory44 because he said he didn’t drink much. Let’s be real, I’d like a guy that I can go out to the bar with more than not. It’s fun.

So we met at Il Gatto… I am not a big fan of the place since the remodel, but we had a really good time. I dragged him over to Williams for a drink after the first part of our date. We went out several times, including the time I dragged him to The Saloon for free drink night. That was the first time he hung out with me in a group and things were a little different than before, but I tried not to make a big deal out of it. I’ll try to blame it on all of my attractive guy friends, but they are JUST FRIENDS.

He cancelled on me, claiming to be too busy, etc. Whatever. I was pissed. I never think “busy” is a good excuse. If you like someone there is always time for them. Fact.

Anyways months had passed since we had become facebook friends and he joined foursquare to go to free drink night with me and the gang.

Andy and I went to his place of work because Andy is a foodie… We went on cheap date night. I didn’t think he saw me when we came in and I sat out of his view, but he definitely saw me when he brought out our plates and explained the dish to us. I pretended not to notice him.

He unfriended me on facebook/foursquare the next day.

My bad.

The Worst Place To Meet Guys Is…

Okay, I won’t say it’s the ABSOLUTE worst… because there are definitely weirder guys at Mortimer’s and Grumpy’s NE I can tell you about.

The votes are in: Liquor Lyle’s, is a terrible place to meet guys.

Andy says, “Kristin, I don’t understand why you like it there. It’s like there’s a bus that drops off guys just out of prison. First stop, Liquor Lyle’s!”

Abandon hope, all ye who enter here:

A tale of two winners… They were the best of guys, they were the worst of guys.

One of these went on for far too long. He was some random guy I befriended when I was out with a group. He didn’t like talking to my friends, just me. I made fun of his beer. We occasionally went out to Lyle’s, CC Club, Mortimer’s, Bulldog, etc. When we met up with one of his friends by accident and his friend thought I was cute, that’s where things actually started. He had never tried to be more than friends until that point, which I had been perfectly fine with. So things were still the same, eventually I quit him, dated his friend. We all ended up at the bar together and tried to pretend like we weren’t just out the night before. Oops.  Long story short, this guy is wrong for me and I know it… But we all have those people. Last time we saw each other (I was on a date), he got mad at me for bringing a guy to the bar. Whatever. We had words and now we don’t talk.

Then there was the hipster. Hipsters are bad news… I know, I go to Club Jager all the time “looking for my hipster husband,” but that’s all in fun. I dated this hipster for like half a minute, but met him at Lyle’s, of course. He was strange. He even had a facebook account for his cat. I thought it was cute at the time, but now I know that someone who does that many drugs is just NOT for me. He would drink in the mornings and call in sick for work or just go really late. His lifestyle choices are just really unappealing. I can’t live like that.

On a positive note, a good friend of mine did meet her fiance at Lyle’s and I’m in the wedding in September! So it’s not all bad… I have some hope. Maybe.

You Are So Last Summer.

Yikes, it seems like I’m a bit behind.

So let’s do a quick recap… Don’t date MPLS comics. You’d think I’d have learned this after the first or second one. Nope, I went for a third. Yeah, I’m an idiot.

Moving on… Boring teacher, ugly bouncer (I just can’t to baldies), a guy that was only fun when he was drunk, creeper who kept asking me to kiss him, a guy that kept asking me out but could never seal the deal, another boring guy, an actor/barista (RUN!) A guy who thought he was the shit because he bought a mustang convertible. I can’t even remember the weird TX guy anymore… and so much more.

A few of these guys warrant their own posts… But the rest was just a boring blur. What makes you think it’s okay to be so dull on your dates? Be exciting and interested… I am, even when I’m not. It’s the secret to a second date, duh.

What NOT to wear…

So when you invite me to a place like Cafeteria, expect a few things:

1. I will wear heels. If you are taller than 6′ They will be big stripper shoes. If you are 5’10-6′ they will be smaller 2″ heels. If you are under 5’10, we won’t be going out.

2. I will look nice. I will do my hair and wear a dress or skirt. Let’s be honest, I rarely wear pants anyway…

3. You should probably do the same. Okay, not the dress and heels bit, but show some effort. Especially if you are less fortunate looking.

So I show up to Cafeteria and we meet outside. We head inside to dine rooftop style, and I run into a friend from college. Now I’m seriously embarrassed by your appearance.

Let’s go over the details:

1. Shoes. These were like the sneakers your dad wears to mow the lawn or walk at the mall. Get some new shoes. No flip flops, Jesus sandals, or dad shoes.

2. Might not have seen the shoes but: Pants. Yeah, they weren’t pants, they were old khaki cargo shorts. Please, wear pants.

3. Shirt. Oh dear God, the shirt. Let me start by telling you it’s a T shirt. Next I’ll admit it was an ironic T shirt. Lastly, the witty phrase: “Bacon is meat candy.” Sigh. The worst part about all of this was that when it was over he thought we’d go out again. He texted me multiple times saying how much fun we had. Then the texts got angry. Dennis thought I should say I lost my phone (He’s done it a few times). I told him I lost my charger. He apologized for being crazy, and asked me out again.

I changed my number.

Our Theoretical Date

So this guy Adam refuses to go out with me because he thinks he is one of many guys, and doesn’t want to be just another one in the pack.

Tonight he asked me to entertain him with a story.

Tell me a story then! lol

About what?

Anything- or send me some pics! I’m bored silly too.

Ha ha. Aren’t you working still?

Yeah, but it’s dead.

Awwww… Poor baby.

Yeah- feel bad for me.

I do. Soooooo sorry. 😉

So you you going to entertain me?

How should I do that?

However you’d like-

Ha right. So there was once this guy named Adam… And he started talking to this awesome girl named Kristin.

Seriously! Go on!

Yeah. And Adam thought he was hot stuff. A real catch, you know? And this Kristin girl was seriously awesome. A true gem, one of a kind…

Continue-

So neither Adam or Kristin had met, they had been exchanging messages. they had found out they had so much in common!They attended the same college, with the same major, and they even taught in the same school in Saint Paul, only a few years apart. It was quite the coincidence!

True story!

One day, Kristin did something completely out of her character, she asked Adam if they could meet.

lol

Adam was apprehensive. He knew he was quite the catch, and even though he knew of Kristin’s awesomeness, he didn’t want to be just some “guy she was dating.” He wanted someone who could be all in, not just see him as “Saturday guy.” Kristin was puzzled. She liked to meet people sooner, rather than later. This plagued her when she initially talked to Adam because he certainly seemed like the kind of guy she would enjoy spending time with. Kristin thought about all of the ways she could show Adam that he wouldn’t be “just another date.” Tell him about an awesome Friday night home alone? No, too pathetic. Or ask him to meet her every day until he agrees? No, too desperate.

Finally, one day Adam gave in. He agreed to meet Kristin and stop torturing her. She was both nervous and excited as they had conversed for quite some time now. Kristin fretted over what to wear. her usual first date dress? No, Adam would see right through that. She would have to choose something special…

Like?

Kristin found the perfect outfit.

Which is?

Adam and Kristin agreed to meet for a few happy hour drinks. Adam arrived first and found a seat at the bar. Kristin arrived only a few minutes later. Adam was in awe of Kristin and her indescribable beauty. He could tell she was stylish and “together.” He especially loved her shoes.

I’m curious about the outfit!

Kristin joined Adam at the bar. She gracefully slid up to the counter next to Adam. It was difficult… because she was so short, but the shoes helped. Adam was dressed appropriately and looked very handsome. They exchanges greetings. As Kristin removed her coat, Adam could smell her luxurious perfume. She smelled absolutely wonderful. Some might even describe her scent as delicious. They chatted a minute or two before the bartender took their orders. Kristin wanted to order second. While she is quite the beer snob, she didn’t want to be the only one with beer. She would follow suit if Adam ordered a cocktail.

(Choose your own adventure: Is Adam having a beer or cocktail?)

Beer.

Adam ordered a beer, so did Kristin. He was impressed. Most girls he knew only drank vodka cranberry or sex on the beach- the kind of drinks a 19 year old would order.

I wanna see the outfit!!!

Adam and Kristin enjoyed polite conversation. They laughed a lot. Kristin had some great stories, so did Adam. He even managed to her her to smile, really smile.Not just that cheesy polite smile you give strangers, but a true smile. He even thought he saw her blue eyes sparkle- just for a moment. Adam wondered why he had waited so long to meet this girl. She was truly amazing. The good times ran on and the two decided to enjoy dinner together. They walked to a nearby restaurant. Adam opened the door for Kristin. She smiled and walked inside. It had been a while since a man treated her like a lady. They found a table. It was here that Adam learned Kristin was a picky eater. Not that is was anything tragic or political, she was no crazy vegan!

They laughed and talked all through dinner. They were both having a great time, that was obvious. They moved on to hit one more local gem. Kristin was dying to show Adam her favorite local martini bar. As they arrived, the bar was full. Kristin asked to be seated in the sushi room. It was really that she loved the lush wallpaper in the sushi room. Rich hot pink with a black velvety pattern, not that it was more VIP… Okay so maybe it was both.

She ordered a delectable martini, not on the menu. Adam chose carefully after inspecting the ingredients. he knew how to mix a drink or two! The drinks arrived. They were great. Kristin’s was better, of course but Adam tried not to show his envy. They both agreed it was time to go home, after all, Kristin had to work in the morning!

Adam walked Kristin to her car. It was getting a bit chilly. They walked quickly, as it seemed to help beat the cold. As they said their goodnights, Kristin wondered if Adam would kiss her. They had a great time, so it would only make sense. Kristin had some experience in this area: If a guy doesn’t try to kiss her goodnight after a date, he is not interested. It’s simple, but effective. It also saves her the hassle of sending an unneccessary “Thank you for a nice night” text afterward.

The goodbye was taking a little too long. Both were chilled to the core.

I’m always shy to make the first move, whether or not I’m completely interested!

Kristin hoped he would lean in and kiss her… Adam extended his arms as to take her in for a hug. She complied.As they broke out of the hug, Adam’s arm still at her back, he kissed her. Nothing earth shattering, but he didn’t want to scare her. He knew he could make girls swoon with a a single peck.

Haha

Kristin returned the kiss, She shyly smiled and got in her car to go home. She smiled to herself in the mirror. What a great night. Adam walked to his car. When he arrived home he sent her a text thanking her for a great evening. He asked to see her again.

Kristin smiled when she recieved Adam’s message. She sent him one back.

It read: “Of course. ;)”

Sooooo….

I like the thought of that…

Glamor Shots

You would be impressed or disgusted on how many guys have figured out to use glamor shots. Not like the actual Glamor Shots, but pictures that make them appear more attractive than they actually are in person.

This is one of those stories.

I met this guy outside of Uptown Cafeteria (again, right?). I was shocked about how much shorter and unattractive he was than I had remembered. Yikes. That was all I could think about while on this date. He had so many other “winning” qualities like: he lived at home, unemployed, recent college graduate.

So basically, he had no money and sits on his parents’ couch eating cocoa puffs and watching daytime TV. Oh, and did I mention he isn’t cute yet?

No, thanks.